The Tonight Show: At Home Edition (Hashtags: #QuarantineQuotes)

-Welcome to “The Tonight Show:At Home Edition.

” My name is Jimmy Fallon, and I am going to use a kind of teleprompterright now.

And I'll take a pictureof what I'm seeing so you know what I'm seeing, just so we can try to getthrough the monologue.

We'll do the monologuelike this.

But, anyways, this is our show.

Welcome.

We have a great show.

Alex Rodriguez is here, “A-Rod, “Rhett and Link, music from Tones and I.

But, first, let's get to somejokes here, everybody.

Well, I'm so excited abouttonight's show because we are filmingthe entire thing from Roger Goodell's basement.

That's right — tonight wasnight one of the NFL Draft, and this year, the commissioner announced the picks from his basement.

And, of course, right when he started talking, someone started vacuuming.

“Do you have to do that now?” Hey!” That's right –tonight was the NFL draft.

You know things are nuts whenthe most exciting sports moment in six weeks is a guyin his basement reading names off an index card.

Yeah, it was a virtual draft, which got pretty frustrating when players would be anxiouslysitting at home and hear, “The New England Patriotsselect.

.

.

” [ Audio cutting out ] Congratulations.

” “Who did he say?Was it me? Was it me? Did you –My phone's not ringing.

” This year's draft was supposedto take place in Las Vegas, but the NFL didn't want to putpeople's health in danger.

That's how crazy things are.

The NFL is more concernedabout health than the mayor of Las Vegas.

That's right — everyone wastalking about this yesterday.

Anderson Cooper interviewedthe mayor of Las Vegas, who wants to reopen the city, and this imagepretty much sums it up.

Yeah, the mayor wants to openLas Vegas back up, and she's even come up witha few slogans that will help encouragetourists to come back.

For example, there's “Vegas –the stakes just got higher.

” Then there's”Vegas — it's a gamble.

” Next, there's “Viva Las Virus.

” There's also, “Vegas — hotgames, cold drinks, dry coughs.

” And, finally, “Vegas, where'Ocean's Eleven' meets COVID-19.

” Well, good luckto everyone involved.

Listen to this.

I saw that the first-everYouTube video was posted 15 years ago today.

The first comment was, “Love it.

” The next was, “How cool.

” And the third began a15-year argument over politics.

Well, this isn't good.

I saw that Chipotle just agreedto pay $25 million in food-safety fines.

Ah! Remember the good old dayswhen the only deadly viruses were in the lettuce at Chipotle? I saw that the toy company Tyhas debuted a new Beanie Baby to raise money for thecoronavirus recovery efforts.

It's a great ideathat's expected to bring in millions of dollarsin the year 1995.

Check this out.

I heard that tie-dye is becoming a big quarantine fashion trend.

It's awkward whena co-worker asks, “Are you wearing tie-dye?”, and you go, “No, this is ketchup, mustard, relish, and Cheeto? Cheeto.

” And, finally, I saw thatthe coronavirus lockdown is increasing the demand forvideo-game coaches.

Wow.

If you think people who sitaround playing video games all day is out of shape, imagine their coaches.

That's our monologue, everybody.

Now it's time for “Hashtags.

” ♪♪ -♪ “Hashtags” ♪ ♪ “Hashtags” ♪ -As I said, we have a great show tonight.

He's a superstar, one of thebest athletes of all time.

Alex Rodriguez, “A-Rod, ” is onthe show tonight.

We're going to be talking to himabout some fun stuff and we're doing a “Hot Ones.

” That's right.

So all you sports fansout there, not only do you get to see oneof your favorites, but he's also going to eatthe spiciest wings you've ever seen him eat, and Sean Evans is going to help us outwith that.

Also, we have our palsRhett and Link, who I miss so much.

“Good Mythical Morning.

” YouTube superstarsRhett and Link will be on.

And we have great, great musicfrom Tones and I, who — Of course, she sings “Dance Monkey, ” which was the biggest thingthat we've, I think, had on our show, virally.

Ooh, I can't even say”virally” anymore.

Popularity-wise? Should I start over?-No.

-Yeah, okay.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know — It's the biggestthing that we've had on our show, with like80 million hits on YouTube.

I don't even knowif they're hits.

Okay.

Let's get right to “Hashtags.

” Here we go.

The hashtag — This is the gamewe play every week.

So if you want to play along, you can do this.

I will send out a thingprobably on Tuesday with a hashtag saying a subject.

Tonight's subject is”Quarantine Quotes.

” Things that you've heard beingunder quarantine.

So, everyone sent intheir favorite quotes.

We trended number 1 in the U.

S.

, so thank you so much for doingthat and playing the game.

We like to do this with you guysand we appreciate it.

So, here's the hashtags forquarantine quotes.

First one's from @Jamieboge.

She said, “There isno longer A.

M.

or P.

M.

There is just coffee timeor wine time.

” This one's from @Chad0616.

He said, “There should bean ice-cream truck that sells toilet paper.

” That's thinking.

That's a good man.

This one's from @thedoots.

Thedoots.

They said, “I'm startingto get a tan from checking my refrigerator.

” See? It could happen.

This one's from @rbellaruso.

She said, “My car is getting three weeks to the gallon.

” This one's from @marketingprofb.

He said, “I can't wait to see what Instacart is going tosubstitute today.

” “We don't have yogurt.

Do you want toothpaste? It looks like yogurt.

” “No, thanks.

” This one's from @stratladyk.

She says, “Now I understand why pets try to run out of the housewhen the door opens.

” These are quarantine quotes.

Now this one's from @Joshrozner.

He said, “20 years from now, the country will be run by people who were homeschooledby day drinkers.

” [ Laughs ] This one's from @Hollynherren.

She said, “I better go.

One of my Simsis getting married.

” You don't want to miss that.

That's a bigmoment — milestone.

This one's from — I rememberI used to play “Sims.

” Years ago, I was on”Saturday Night Live, ” and I was living in mystudio apartment and I had — You know, my bed wasattached to the kitchen, was attached the bathroom, was attached to — Everything was inone room — studio.

And I was in — I changed mycloset into a tiny desk, a tiny office.

Not so many things have changed.

And I remember playing”The Sims, ” and I was making my — I waseating a pizza.

I was hunched over, 'cause that's where — The desk I built was there.

And I was eating a pizza andI was over, like, a paper plate.

And I'm making my “Sims”character run on a treadmill 'cause he was too overweight.

And I was like, “Lose weight!Lose weight! Gosh.

” Eating a whole pizzain a closet, making a video game lose weight.

Alright, here we go.

This one's from @mamabrianne.

She said, “Kids born in 2020 shall be known asChildren of the Quarn.

” Children of the Quarn.

This one's from @Jeremypimples.

Come on.

Come on.

Jeremy Pimples — he said, “Crap, now I can't pretend I'm not at home whenthe doorbell rings.

” This one's from @ywilson2330.

She said, “The dumbest thingI ever purchased? A 2020 planner.

” What a waste of money, yep.

This one's from @Webhank.

He said, “I said to my family, 'I can't think of three people I'd rather bequarantined with.

' My 11-year-oldimmediately said, 'Oh, I can.

'” Those are our”Hashtags, ” everybody.

We have a great show tonight.

Thank you so much for tuning in.

More of the”Tonight Show: At Home” with A-Rod coming up.

.

Leave a Comment!