The Best of the Cold Opens – Brooklyn Nine-Nine (Mashup)

Ladies and gentlemen, We are gathered here todayto answer and age-old question.

– Right, what's Amy's deal?She single? – No, we're dating.

Come on.

The question is: Who here doesthe best impression of Captain Raymond Holt? You'll be judged on voice, body language, and overall lack of flair.

Everyone will performthe same scenario: Captain Holteating a marshmallow for the very first time.

Let the Holt-off begin! – What is this glutinousmonstrosity before me? – The sugar in thisis quite sweet.

– Ooh, mm-hmm, mm-hmm-hmm-hmm! – That's your Holt impression? – I can hear him doing that.

– Looks like a sticky pillow.

– I don't care for it.

Classical music.

[laughter] – What's going on here?What are you doing? – Captain, hey, nothing, just eating some marshmallows.

Care for one? – Marshed-mallow.

Hmm.

Hmm-hmm-hmm-hmm![laughing] – I knew it! OH, FUN.

KELLY AND I HITTHE PARK, WENT FOR A LONG WALK.

FELL ASLEEP WATCHING TV.

OH.

SOUNDS LIKE A FUNWEEKEND WITH KELLY.

SO, KELLY.

IS THATSCULLY'S WIFE OR HIS DOG? UH.

.

WAIT.

NO ONE KNOWSSCULLY'S WIFE'S NAME? I THINK KELLY IS HIS DOG.

WENT FOR A LONG WALK.

THAT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH A DOG.

YOU CAN GO ON A LONGWALK WITH A PERSON.

AT SUNSET.

TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.

AND EVERYTHING.

SOUNDS AWFUL.

HIT THE PARK.

THAT'S A DOG.

MY WIFE TAKES THE BABIESTO THE PARK ALL THE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE DOING THIS.

LET'S PLAY “WIFE OR DOG.

” HEY, SO SCULLY, WHAT DO YOU DOAT THE PARK WITH KELLY? OH, WE JUST WALK AROUND.

SHE GETS ANTSY IF SHE DOESN'TGET OUTSIDE ENOUGH.

AND THEN IT'S JUSTYAP, YAP, YAP, ALL DAY LONG.

(Charles)HEY, WHAT'S KELLY'SFAVORITE FOOD? PEANUT BUTTER.

SHE'LL EAT ITRIGHT OUT OF THE JAR.

HOW OLD IS KELLY AGAIN? WELL, SHE'S GETTING UP THERE, BUT SHE'S PRETTY SPRYFOR HER AGE.

ESPECIALLY CONSIDERING SHE GOTHIT BY THAT CAR A YEAR AGO.

OH, THAT'S SO AWFUL.

WAS SHE CHASING SOMETHINGINTO THE STREET, OR.

.

.

NO.

JUST GETTING METHE NEWSPAPER.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS USELESS.

SCULLY, IS KELLYYOUR WIFE OR YOUR DOG? HOW CAN YOU ASK ME THAT? I STILL DON'T KNOWWHICH IT IS.

NO IDEA.

I COULD NOT TELL YOU.

WHOA.

WHAT'S WITH THE CAST?I SPRAINED MY WRIST.

OH, NO!WHAT HAPPENED? DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'M FINE.

YEAH! GEEZ, AMY.

BACK OFF.

LEAVE THE GUY ALONE.

[whispering] ALL RIGHT, HUDDLE UP, EVERYBODY.

BRING IT IN, BRING IT IN! SO HE WOULDN'T SAYWHAT HAPPENED, WHICH CAN ONLYMEAN ONE THING.

HE'S IN A FIGHT CLUB.

(Jake)NO.

HE DID IT DOING SOMETHINGHE'S EMBARRASSED BY, LIKE SMILING.

ONLY QUESTION IS, HOW DO YOUHURT YOUR ARM SMILING? ATTENTION, EVERYONE, I CAN HEAR YOU SPECULATING ABOUT THE NATURE AND ORIGINOF MY INJURY FROM MY OFFICE.

I TRIPPED OVERAN UNEVEN SIDEWALK.

I DID NOT THINKIT WAS RELEVANT TO YOUR JOBS, THE JOBS WHICH YOU SHOULD ALLBE DOING RIGHT NOW.

GET TO WORK.

DO YOU WANNA KNOWHOW I ACTUALLY HURT MY WRIST? YES.

I WAS HULA-HOOPING.

KEVIN AND I ATTEND A CLASSFOR FITNESS AND FOR FUN.

OH, MY GOD.

I'VE MASTERED ALL THE MOVES.

THE PIZZA TOSS.

.

.

THE TORNADO.

.

.

THE SCORPION, THE OOPSIE DOODLE.

WHY ARE YOUTELLING ME THIS? BECAUSE NO ONE.

.

.

WILL EVER BELIEVE YOU.

(Jake)NO.

NO! YOU SICK SON OF A BITCH.

9:01! AMY SANTIAGO IS OFFICIALLYLATE FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS.

WHO'S GOT THEORIES? UH.

.

.

ALARM DIDN'T GO OFF.

ALL THREE ALARMS?ALL WITH BATTERY BACK-UP? COME ON, WHO WANTSTO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY? OOH!SHE WAS TAKEN IN HER SLEEP! THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! SUPER DARK, BOYLE, BUT WAY MORE PLAUSIBLE THAN THE SARGE'S IDIOTICALARM CLOCK THEORY.

I BET SHE TUCKED HERSELFINTO BED TOO TIGHT AND GOT STUCK.

MM, MAYBE SHE FELLINTO ANOTHER DIMENSION WHERE SHE'S INTERESTING.

IT'S 9:00 A.

M.

WHY IS NO ONE WORKING? AMY SANTIAGO ISA FEW MINUTES LATE, AND WE'RE ALL TRYINGTO GUESS WHY.

I'D LIKE TO PLAY.

I'D SAY SHE'S IN LINEAT THE BANK.

THIS IS FUN.

(Jake)IT IS FUN, BUT YOU'REALL WRONG.

SHE CLEARLY SLIPPED THROUGHA SUBWAY GRATE AND IS HAVING TERRIBLE SEXWITH A MOLE MAN.

[elevator dings] (Jake)THERE SHE IS.

AMY.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WE'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK.

DO YOU CARE TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF? I'M JUST 70 SECONDS LATE.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

SANTIAGO, YOU WILL TELL US, AND YOU WILL TELL US NOW.

THERE WAS A PROBLEMAT THE BANK.

HOT DAMN! Guess who just came from the P.

S.

321Thanksgiving Parade? – Charles, you actually might– – Who's Charles?I'm Tommy Gobbler.

And I'm stuffed withThanksgiving happiness! Gobble, gobble! – Seriously, Charles– – Uh-uh, I warned you! I'm Tommy Gobbler, you silly pilgrim.

– Okay, Tommy Gobbler.

– There you go! – These arethe Davidsons.

They want to knowwhat happened to their missinggrandmother.

– I have some deeplytragic news for you.

[hip-hop music playing] – Peralta, are you eating an Italian subfor breakfast? – I am, but Amy saidI should eat more veggies, so I got extra pepperoncinis.

Smart.

[coffee splashes] – Uh, excuse me.

You need to watch yourself.

– I'm sorry.

.

.

cop.

– All right, let's everybodyjust stay calm here.

– Or what? Are you gonnaarrest me for dancing? – You call that dancing? [crowd murmuring] This is dancing.

♪ – What is happening? – I'm defusing the situation.

♪ – Whoa.

.

.

dancing captain.

Must capture imageof a lifetime! Oh, why is my phonealways dead? I paid $13 for it.

– Don't worry, Jakey.

I got it.

– Okay.

Oh! – Oh, my handsare covered in butter from making butter.

– I'm on it! Must record, must record! Camera on.

All right.

Here we go.

– Dancing over.

Situation defused.

– No! – Well, actually I gota little sick.

– Oh, really?I'm sorry to hear that, man.

– Yeah, “Bullets overBroadway” was on TV.

And I came down with a big ol'Dianne Wiest infection.

Like “yeast.

” He won't say a word.

The guy's a brick wall.

– Not to worry, sarge.

I'll take it from here.

Hope you boysbrought popcorn, 'cause I'm aboutto put on a show.

Well, well, well.

I hear you don't likeanswering questions, Marcos.

That's fine by me, 'cause I'm not asking.

Ooh, handle fell off.

I'll just grab that.

[clears throat] Nope.

So looks like we're locked in.

That's bad news for you, 'cause you're trapped in herewith a psycho.

Has anyone tried itfrom the outside? – Lock's broken.

Gotta call facilities.

– Copy that.

No rush.

As I said, I got allthe time in the wor– It's a little warm in here, right? Do you feel any aircoming out of that vent? I got nothing.

We got an ETA on facilities? – At least 45 minutes.

– And they've checked allthis paint for lead, right? And the room for asbestos.

I feel like I'm suckingon a tailpipe in here, Marcos! Everybody get awayfrom the mirror! Come on! I can't breathe.

I can't breathe.

– Hey, calm down, man.

I'll confess.

Just stop freaking out.

– What?- I did it.

I robbed 'em.

– Boom! And that's how it's done.

I was faking the whole thingto break him.

I coulda stayed in here forever.

– Good, 'cause facilitiesis gonna be a couple hours.

– We're gonna die in here! – Just eating butterlike a popsicle, huh, Boyle? – Yeah, I know, I'm spoiling myself, but I'm depressed.

Or have you forgotten that Jake, my best friend, is in prison? – Wait, Jake's in prison?- Yeah! He and Rosa were framedfor a bunch of bank robberies by Lieutenant Hawkins.

– Oh, right.

And where's Gina? – On maternity leave!We were all at her baby shower last week.

– Okay.

And why am I bleeding? – I don't know, Hitchcock.

– Oh, so you don't haveall the answers.

I'm bleeding becausemy piece-of-crap son-in-law bit me.

– Look, we all missJake and Rosa, which is why we have tokeep working the case.

There has to be some wayto exonerate them.

– I've been looking, but I can't find anything and I don't know what to do.

– “I can't find anything and I don't know what to do”: title of your sex tape.

– What is happening right now?!- They caught Hawkins trying to flee the country.

She confessed to everything, and they let me out.

– Oh, my God, Jake, is it really you?Are you really here? – You know it, baby.

– [sighs dreamily] – But first.

.

.

I gotta hug my best friend.

– Yeah.

– What? – Welcome back, Peralta.

I just heard from the mayor.

To apologizefor what happened to you, they're sending youto Disney World.

You and one male guest.

– As long as I don't have togo on any of the scary rides.

– I'd just go for the shows.

– Yeah! [laughs] all: [chanting]Boyle, Boyle, Boyle! Boyle, Boyle, Boyle! – Boyle! Were you dreamingabout Jake again? – Why did you wake me up?! I told you never to wake me up! [upbeat music] [alarm clock beeping] [alarm silences] – Halloween.

Mua-ha-ha-ha.

It's heist time.

Dah!- Thought you could get a head start on heist prep?Good luck.

I'm already dressed.

– Well.

.

.

I'm also dressed, and I made breakfast.

Wait, where are my eggs?- In my belly.

[both scream]Now get a move on.

It's heist time.

– I love Halloween! – So, do you recognize anyof these men? – I was hiding inthe bathroom stall, so I didn't see his face.

But I heard him.

He was singing alongto the music at the bar.

– Do you remember whathe was singing? – I think it was that song, “I Want It That Way.

” – Backstreet Boys.

I'm familiar.

Okay.

Number one, could youplease sing the opening to “I Want It That Way”? – Really? Okay.

♪ You are.

.

.

♪ My fire – Number two, keep it going.

– ♪ The one.

.

.

desire – Number three.

– ♪ Believe.

.

.

♪ When I say – Number four.

– ♪ I want it that way – ♪ Tell me why! all: ♪ Ain't nothing buta heartache ♪ – ♪ Tell me why! all: ♪ Ain't nothing buta mistake ♪ – ♪ Now number five – ♪ I never want to hearyou say ♪ – Whoo!all: ♪ I want it that way – Ah, chills! Literal chills.

– It was number five.

Number five killed my brother.

– Oh, my God, I forgotabout that part.

[bright brass music] – So, two keys, huh? That's a lot of snow.

– And if you can't handle it, we're happy to findsomeone who can.

– Don't worry about me, friend.

I can handle it.

Marissa, baby, go get our guestssomething to drink, would you? – We don't want a drink.

– What is this, a social call? – It's not a tea party.

– We look like five-year-old girls to you?- Gentlemen, please.

Have some patience.

Two keys.

Pure as a Catholic schoolgirl.

Did you bring the cash? – Oh, we brought somethingmuch better than cash.

– What is that?- Our guns! – NYPD!You're under arrest! – [screams] [yelling] [upbeat electronic music] ♪ – Boss man's gone.

Where'd he go? ♪ Thank you kindly, little lady.

♪ Gio Costa, you're under arrest.

– You want that drink now, Hitchcock? – Don't mind if I do, Scully.

Don't mind if I do.

♪ .

– [humming] Another cold brew? Don't mind if I “cold do.

“Nailed it.

I am loving this machinethat Charles brought in.

– It is nice.

The trick is to let the coffee warm up to room temperature.

I'm already on my second cup.

– This is my third.

– [slow-motion]Stop! You're drinking too much! – Whoa, what's going on, Charles? Why are you talking so slow? – [slow-motion] I'm not.

I'm normal.

We're all normal.

[dramatic music] – [laughing in slow motion] – If you're not going slow, that means we're going fast.

Are we going fast? Can anyonetell if we're going fast? – I don't think we're going fastat all in any way whatsoever.

I feel like we're going slowin every way whatsoever.

Captain, how do you feel?- Great.

Excellent.

Amazing.

I feel better thanI've ever felt at any moment in my entire life.

– So we're all fine? all: Yep.

[rapidly repeating “Yep”] .

– Bottles.

Boyle.

Bullpen.

– What are you— Buh-buh-buh.

Bottles, Boyle, bullpen.

Bowling.

Behold, Brooklyn buddies, Boyle bullpen bottle bowling.

– Beautiful.

– Be brave, bro.

Be brave.

Bowl! – [screaming in slow motion] [dramatic music] ♪ – Bam!- Bull's-eye! – Booyah! – Babushka! all: Babushka! .

– I'm here!I'm here, I'm here.

You can start the meeting now.

– The meeting is over.

You're late.

You missed roll calland the tutorial on using the new copiers.

Six years, and no matterhow hard I try, I still can't get you to understand theimportance of being punctual.

– Maybe you should just give upand accept me for who I am? – No, I will break you.

Right now.

– Oh.

– While you were outbeing tardy, I was hard at workdevising a special punishment.

I've crafted an intricatepersonal high five with everyone in this officeexcept you.

– What?But you hate high fives.

– Yes, every minute of itwas hell.

But it'll be worse for you.

Squad, dismissed.

Good-bye, Diaz.

– Salute into a fanny waggle? – Good-bye, Boyle.

– Oh, the snake charmer! – Good-bye, Jeffords.

– That's a butt bump.

– Good-bye, Santiago.

– Double fist bumpreverse explosion into a Pete Townshend strum.

[sighs]All right, that was terrible, but it's over now, and I made it through.

– Good-bye, Leonard from Xerox.

– What?No, no, no.

The copy guy? – Guys! I have a greatidea for a prank.

Before Holt comes in I'm gonna put ink on the podiumwhere he puts his hands.

– I don't thinkhe'll fall for that.

– I did!- How? I haven't evenopened this yet.

– I guess it's unrelated.

– Captain Holt hates pranks.

This is gonna backfire, man.

– Ugh, fine, I'll tone it down.

I'll.

.

.

move his podiuma foot to the left.

– What?He'll be so angry.

– Okay, five inches.

– Five? – Three?- Three? – One?- One? – All right.

I'll move it a half inch.

– Fine.

It's your funeral.

– Oh my god.

Worst prank ever.

So stupid.

Holt's not evengoing to notice.

– Good morning.

– You guys– the podium, it's.

.

.

– Ha.

[chuckles] [laughter intensifies] [riotous laughter] [shouting]You're crazy! How did you pull this off?.

Leave a Comment!