Jim Ruel • Native American Comedy Slam • Part 5 | LOLflix

COMING TO THE STAGE RIGHT NOW HE'S PROBABLYTHE SMARTEST GUY IN THE GROUP.

HE'S A GRADUATE FROM STANFORD, OBVIOUSLY A SHOW-OFF.

AND AH HE'S AN OJIBWE THE ONLY WAY, THE TRUE WAY, THE ONE WAY, OUR WAY, HIS WAY.

AND HIS BIGGEST CREDIT RIGHT NOW HE JUST TOLD ME HE JUST BECAME A NEW DADDY.

SO, WELCOME, FROM WISCONSIN, MY BUDDY JIM RUEL.

I'M MY TRIBE IS CHIPPEWA, OR OJIBWE IS ACTUALLY IT'S MORE WELL-KNOWN AS CHIPPEWA, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY OJIBWE.

AND MY RESERVATION'S UP IN MICHIGAN.

I GREW UP IN A PRETTY BIG FAMILY.

I HAVE ONE BROTHER AND FIVE SISTERS.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GET TOGETHER AROUND THETABLE, WE MADE US ALL LAUGH A LOT AT, LIKE, DINNER TABLE.

MY OLDER BROTHER, LIKE SIX YEARS SO I JUST WORSHIPPED HIM.

ONE TIME HE TOLD ME TO COME IN THE HOUSE ANDTELL MY PARENTS THAT HE'D BEEN HIT BY A CAR, AND HE WAS GONNA LAY IN THE STREET.

AND I DID IT, 'CAUSE I'M AN IDIOT.

MY PARENTS ARE MIXED.

MY MOM IS NATIVE, AND MY DAD IS WHITE.

HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TRIBE I AM, TO BEHONEST WITH YOU.

HE'S LIKE, “UH, I THINK YOU'RE THE CHIPPENDALES?” “NO, CHIPPEWA, DAD, CHIPPEWA.

” AND IT IS A BIG DEAL THAT WE DON'T REALLYGET OUR VOICE OUT IN THE MEDIA.

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HEAR US TALKING.

WE DON'T GET INTERVIEWED.

WE HAVE NO BIG-NAME STARS THAT PEOPLE HAVEANY IDEA OF, LIKE, INDIVIDUAL PERSONALITIES, YOU KNOW? GRAHAM GREENE AND ADAM BEACH NOBODY REALLYKNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM, YOU KNOW? THERE'S ONE NATIVE GUY ON THE PGA TOUR, NOTAH BEGAY.

AGAIN, NOBODY KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM OUTSIDE OUR COMMUNITY.

EITHER ONE IS PROBLEMATIC.

“NATIVE AMERICAN” JUST COULD MEAN YOU WEREBORN HERE.

YOU KNOW, REALLY, THAT'S WHAT THE TERM “NATIVE”MEANS YOU WERE BORN.

AND THE SAME THING WITH “INDIAN” OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S US AND THE ONES OVER INDIA.

SO.

.

.

I LIKE “INDIAN” ALMOST BETTER JUST 'CAUSETHERE'S LESS SYLLABLES AND I'M LAZY.

I WAS WITH MY FRIEND PATTY, AND WE'RE BOTHLIKE CHECKING OUT THE CROWD, YOU KNOW? AND WE'RE LIKE, “HEY, THAT DUDE LOOKS LIKEGEORGE CARLIN.

” I WAS LIKE, “HOLY CRAP.

THAT IS GEORGE CARLIN.

” AND THE BOTH OF US KIND OF FREAKED OUT, YOUKNOW? IT'S LIKE A NERD HAVING EINSTEIN SHOW UP ATONE OF YOUR LECTURES.

IT WAS JUST LIKE, “HOLY CRAP.

OUR IDOL FROM GROWING UP IS HERE.

” AND AFTERWARDS HE CAME UP TO BOTH OF US, ANDEACH OF US HE JUST WAS, LIKE, REALLY COOL.

HE'S LIKE, “HEY, MAN, YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY.

“I LOVE THE INDIAN STUFF.

STICK WITH IT, AND YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

” AND HE WAS JUST SO GRACIOUS AND COOL.

YOU TALK TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THAT, OR WHENI GET DONE WITH A SHOW, PEOPLE ARE LIKE, “OH, MY GOSH, I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU GUYS WEREJUST “THAT WAS WEIRD TO SEE YOU LAUGHING AND MAKING US LAUGH.

“AND YOU WERE ACTUALLY FUNNY.

YOU'RE NATIVE AMERICAN, AND YOU WERE ACTUALLYFUNNY.

” BONJOUR.

HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING? AAH! I NEED SOME SLEEP.

I JUST BECAME A DADDY.

WELL, THANK YOU.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO CLAP.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

NO, IT WAS ON PURPOSE.

SHE'S A BABY ON PURPOSE.

PEOPLE EVEN SAID, “ARE YOU SURE SHE'S YOURS?” I'M LIKE, “HECK, YEAH, SHE'S MINE.

IT'S THE ONLY WOMAN I SLEPT WITH AROUND THATTIME, SO.

.

.

” I DON'T WANT HER GROWING UP WITH THAT LABEL, “ACCIDENT.

” NOBODY WANTS THAT.

IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE, EITHER, IF YOUTHINK ABOUT IT.

THE PROCESS OF MAKING A BABY INVOLVES TOOMUCH REPETITIVE MOTION.

YOU CAN'T ACCIDENTALLY CHURN BUTTER, RIGHT? “OH, MAN, LOOK WHAT I DONE DID HERE! “I DID NOT MEAN TO MAKE ALL THIS BUTTER.

THIS IS A LOT OF RESPONSIBILITY, ALL THISBUTTER.

” OH, BY THE WAY, OUR JOKES WERE HERE FIRST.

YEAH.

DON'T THINK ABOUT IT TOO MUCH.

JUST SUCK ON IT.

NO.

MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO TELL ME.

SHE SAID, “BEFORE THE WHITE MAN CAME, HE MADE A FUNNY FACE.

AND THEN HE CAME.

” AH.

NO IDEA WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT.

SO, I'M FROM MILWAUKEE ORIGINALLY.

I GREW UP THERE.

GROWING UP NATIVE IS NOT EASY.

I COME FROM A BIG FAMILY.

MY PARENTS SENT US ALL, YOU KNOW, TO PILGRIMCAMP.

THAT WAS GOOD.

WE LEARNED HOW TO BURN WITCHES, AND WE HADBUCKLES ON OUR SHOES.

AND WE ALWAYS STOOD OUT FROM THE CROWD 'CAUSE THERE WEREN'T THAT MANY NATIVES IN OUR PART OF TOWN.

IN SCHOOL, EVEN, IT WOULD BECOME A BIG DEAL.

IN SCHOOL, LIKE, THE HOLIDAYS, YOU'D HAVE DRESS-UP.

THANKSGIVING, THEY'D HAVE THE KIDS “ALL RIGHT, SOME OF YOU KIDS ARE GONNA DRESS UP AS PILGRIMS, AND, WELL, WE HAVE AN INDIAN.

“SO, JIM, YOU JUST DO YOUR THING, YOU KNOW? I'M NOT GONNA JUDGE, SO.

.

.

” SO ANY TIME IT MIGHT COME UP, IT DID, YOUKNOW? WE'D HAVE STORYTELLING TIME.

THE TEACHER'S LIKE, “ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE, SIT INDIAN-STYLE.

” THE KIDS ARE LIKE, “OH, LOOK AT JIM'S STYLE THERE.

” SO I PUT MY LEGS BEHIND MY HEAD.

“COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.

IT'S INDIAN-STYLE.

” TEACHER WOULD GET ALL PISSED OFF “HEY, THAT'SNOT INDIAN STYLE.

” “HEY, WHO'S THE INDIAN HERE? MY GRANDMA TAUGHT ME THIS.

” WE'VE BEEN THROUGH A LOT, MAN.

EVEN TODAY, FRIENDS GIVE ME A HARD TIME.

THEY WANT TO GO HUNTING IN THE FALL, THEYBRING ME ALONG AS THEIR TRACKER.

I'M LIKE, “DUDE, I GREW UP RIGHT NEXT DOORTO YOU.

” I GREW UP IN THE CITY, MAN.

I'M MORE OF A STALKER, YOU KNOW? “MM.

BITCH GO THAT AWAY.

” OF COURSE, MILWAUKEE IS KNOWN FOR DRINKING.

SO I DON'T FEEL BAD WHEN PEOPLE SAY INDIANS DRINK.

OH, I KNOW ALL EVERYBODY DOES FROM MILWAUKEE.

WE HAVE A POWWOW BACK THERE.

IT'S A SOBRIETY POWWOW.

BECAUSE IT'S MILWAUKEE, THEY STILL SERVE BEER.

I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING.

I'M LIKE, “WELL, WHY DO YOU CALL THAT A SOBRIETY POWWOW?” AND THEY EVEN CALL IT A CELEBRATION OF SOBRIETY.

THEY'RE DOING SHOTS TO CELEBRATE SOBRIETY.

MAYBE WE SHOULD PICK ANOTHER SOCIAL PROBLEMTO CELEBRATE, YOU KNOW? LIKE, CRYSTAL METH “OUR TEETH ARE NOT UP TOTHE CHALLENGE.

HEY!” LET'S GO TO THAT POWWOW.

GIVE YOU ANOTHER ONE KNOWING WHO YOUR DAD IS.

“HEY, THAT'S A GOOD POWWOW, YEAH.

” “I KNOW WHO HE IS.

“I MET HIM THAT ONE TIME, REMEMBER? “YEAH, THEY POINTED HIM OUT TO ME.

I THINK IT WAS THAT GUY.

” WE GOT A LOT TO CELEBRATE, MAN.

WE GOT SHOES FROM NIKE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT WE DID.

WHITE PEOPLE ARE LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?” I'M LIKE, “I HAVE NO IDEA.

THEY GOT US SHOES.

” I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL I GOT SOME E-MAILS, TEXTS FROM PEOPLE, SAYING, “HEY, NIKE MADE US SOME SHOES.

” I'M LIKE, “WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?” WHAT IS THAT, LIKE A MOCCASIN WITH A WHEEL IN THE HEEL?” SNEAK UP SONG HEY, NOT A PROBLEM.

“YOUR TRIBE IS BEING RELOCATED.

” “NOT A PROBLEM THIS TIME.

” NO, IN FACT, THEY FOUND OUT THEY MADE THESESHOES FOR US, AND THE DEAL IS THEY'RE WIDER THAN THE REGULAR SHOE 'CAUSE THE NATIVE PEOPLE HAVE WIDE FEET.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT.

THAT WAS NEWS TO ME, MAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW THEY FIGURED THAT OUT.

THEY JUST HAD LIKE A CONTROL GROUP WITH A BUNCH OF INDIANS AND BUNCH OF NON-NATIVES, AND THEY MEASURED THE FEET.

“THEY GOT WIDE FEET.

THEY NEED SHOES.

” THAT'S ALL WE NEED ARE NEW STEREOTYPES, YOU KNOW? WE HAVE ENOUGH OLD ONES.

WE HAVE ENOUGH OUT THERE FROM ALL THOSE MOVIES AND THE WESTERNS AND EVERYTHING.

THAT'S WHERE A LOT OF THEM CAME FROM.

THAT'S WHY I'M GLAD I'M IN HOLLYWOOD NOW.

I CAN MAYBE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT.

BUT YOU GOT TO START SOMEWHERE, RIGHT? I'M STARTING TRYING TO DO COMMERCIALS.

MY AGENT'S TRYING TO GET ME A SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL.

I THINK THAT'D BE FUN.

NEVER SEE A NATIVE DOING THAT.

“IF YOU HAVE A DRY, FLAKY SCALP.

.

.

JUST THROW IT AWAY.

” WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO HOLD ON TO THAT? THAT'S JUST CREEPY.

NOWADAYS, THEY MAKE AN INDIAN MOVIE, THEY ACTUALLY GO OUT AND THEY TELL YOU, “THIS IS GONNA BE ACCURATE.

THIS IS GONNA BE A BIG DEAL.

” THEY HIRE REAL INDIAN ACTORS OR LOU DIAMONDPHILLIPS, YOU KNOW? WHICHEVER IS AVAILABLE.

I SAW A SHOW CALLED “INTO THE WEST.

” THAT'S HOW THEY WERE ADVERTISING IT “THISIS GONNA SHOW THE PORTRAYAL OF ACCURACY.

” I WAS LIKE, “MAN, I MIGHT LEARN SOMETHINGWATCHING THIS THING.

” I SAW A COMMERCIAL ON IT.

THEY HAD AN INDIAN GUY.

HE HAD NO SHIRT ON.

HE WAS JUST STRETCHED LIKE THAT, LIKE WE USED TO DO, I GUESS.

JUST LOOKING UP.

WELL, WE DIDN'T HAVE TVs BACK THEN.

WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA DO? “WHAT'S GOING ON?” I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

BUT THE THING THAT REALLY CAUGHT ME WAS THATTHAT GUY WAS RIPPED.

HE HAD A TIGHT SIX-PACK AND PECS.

I THOUGHT, “MAN, AS A PEOPLE, WE'VE LET OURSELVES GO.

” THAT'S HOW IT USED TO BE, HUH? WE NEED TO DO MORE CRUNCHES OR SOMETHING.

MAN, WE USED TO LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW? YEAH.

A LITTLE BUCKSKIN LIKE, WHAT DO I DO TO GET TO THAT? SHOWING OFF.

SHOW THAT IN A MOVIE.

SHOW US AROUND THE CAMPFIRE JUST DOING CRUNCHES IN THE OLD WEST “YEAH! “GONNA GET THE WHITE MAN TOMORROW! GONNA HEAD-BUTT HIS ASS BACK TO EUROPE.

” MOVIES THAT ALWAYS HAVE FREAKED ME OUT, THOUGH, ARE THE SCARY MOVIES.

THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SCARY 'CAUSE SOMETHINGWAS BUILT ON AN INDIAN BURIAL GROUND.

LIKE, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S KIND OF SCARY, I GUESS.

AND YOU WATCH THE WHOLE MOVIE ALL THE WAYTHROUGH, AND I WATCH IT LIKE, “HEY, WHERE ARE ALL THE INDIAN GHOSTS? “THEY GET RELOCATED BY THE WHITE GHOSTS? WHAT HAPPENED HERE?” “BOO! BOO!” “I'M SORRY.

YOU CAN'T 'BOO' HERE.

YOU GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE ELSE.

” “WHAT? EVEN IN THE AFTERLIFE!” I LIKE SOME INDIAN MOVIES OUT THERE, THOUGH.

“THUNDERHEART” THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD INDIAN MOVIE, RIGHT? YOU GET TO SEE A REZ COP IN THE MOVIE, PLAYED BY GRAHAM GREENE.

HE'S ALL COOL “OH, GEEZ, “YOU WANT TO MAKE A TRADE? “WELL, THAT'S A ROCK.

THESE ARE RAY-BANS.

NO WAY.

” A LOT OF YOU WHITE PEOPLE WATCHED THAT.

YOU HAD NO IDEA HE WAS A REZ COP 'CAUSE HEDIDN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE.

YEAH.

A LOT OF INDIANS WE DON'T HAVE A LOT OF BODYHAIR.

I'M MIXED-BLOOD, SO I GOT SOME.

IT'S LIKE A-PATCHY, BUT IT'S.

.

.

I CAN'T GROW A BEARD OR NOTHING, MAN.

I TRIED TO GROW A GOATEE ONCE.

IT JUST LOOKED LIKE A SMILING NUT SACK.

HEY, MIGWETCH, THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

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