Gay Boy Meets Straight Girl in Banter-Filled Comedy

[Music] [Music] i wish i didn't have any holes if i didn't have to worry about things going in and out of my holes life would be so much easier sure i'd have to give up talking and i like talking but i'd also get to give up public restrooms i mean there's always something on the secret it's just like why historically i will choose the handicapped saw which is my personal favorite because it's usually the cleanest and the has most legroom but lately i've been experiencing increased anxiety that some kid in a wheelchair will be waiting outside the stall when i exit and he's going to glare at me once he sees that i'm clearly physically unafflicted the more time to use the handicap still the likelihood is to happen it's like a car crash it's not a matter of if it's just a matter of when but then if i don't drive a car how will i get anywhere when the bus is unreliable and filled with homeless people or social delinquents who resemble homeless people i suppose if you were truly homeless you wouldn't take the bus either because you couldn't afford it or even know where to go why the other todd i think we're getting a bit off topic well it's my job to be tangential it's your job to magically relate everything to my problems okay you treat sex like the kid in the wheelchair the handicapped stall is a metaphor for your state of sexual confusion and you're afraid of the kid because he might tell you that you're in a wheelchair too but i'm not in a wheelchair you're in an emotional wheelchair so does that mean i'm not gay i don't know it's just a metaphor i think i might not be gay you're gay you don't know that todd your favorite film is legally blonde well that's just it i've always dismissed the possibility of having any heterosexual feelings but i think that's because i've been socially conditioned to be gay gay gay kids have been calling me a [ __ ] at recess ever since the second grade i never really had the opportunity to explore the female gender so you want to start dating girls i think it would statistically improve my love life don't take this the wrong way but even if you wanted to experiment i don't think you would find anyone girls aren't gay blind anymore this isn't the six days and you're no rock hudson i don't think that i'm that transparent i could just be metro or hipster todd you're like a kinsey six maybe a five when you're not wearing cashmere well i think that i could get her down to a three francis says that my masculinity has been suppressed by my own precognitions of sexual identity and she thinks that i could be happier if i'm more aggressive and i don't like political labels like gay defining sorry political labels yes we choose to be gay can i choose to punch you in the face right now i don't mean that we choose who we're attracted to okay both of you stop todd do you like gay sex he wouldn't know he's never had any what no really i can't it makes me think of poop i don't like poop the smell the image the sound the texture not that i've ever touched it oh god even thinking about poop makes me want to vomit just thinking about vomit make you want to poop okay no one likes poop i could offer an anecdote to the contrary what about jerry you at least gave him a [ __ ] for a few seconds it was more of a blow consultation maybe you're bisexual no i'm sorry this is recalculus todd you cannot decide that you're straight just because you don't like the gay people you've been meeting i like girls i've always liked girls they're pretty and they're clean and they're soft you can find all of those qualities in a decorative pillow no you can't they're not always soft that's why they're not called functional pillows and for two they're not always clean unless you steam them todd god i think you're missing the point no you're missing the point i'm undergoing a severe sexual identity crisis and neither of my only two friends are taking me seriously okay i am sorry i support you so does ryder yay thank you because i do need your help i'm still a little bit scared of the p word pillow no you know no okay todd you can't say the word [ __ ] you're definitely gay i can say it i just think it's vulgar then say it [ __ ] todd say i wanna [ __ ] some [ __ ] i wanna [ __ ] some [ __ ] i'm straight i'm straight i'm straight i like bean burritos and motorcycles and motorcycles and [ __ ] [Music] [Music] hi hi do you come here a lot what i said do you come here alive oh i thought you said do i come a lot that's not what i said yes on both accounts my boyfriend is a god well as long as he doesn't support religious genocide you're so cute my friend tracy would love you [Music] somebody rang [Music] is anybody sitting here no i'm completely alone are you all right no i'm not okay my best friend from home was supposed to fly into la for my birthday but then some pigeon ran into the engine oh my god avian ingestion that's literally my third worst nightmare what was the death count what no it just got delayed but then now i have no one to buy me drinks well i can buy you a drink really do you want to be my birthday buddy okay yay let's do shots my mama wanted me to go to ohio state but i was like i'm turning 18.

that's 40 in pop star years wait how old are you now 18.

but don't worry my mom installed me with southern values i do not hook up like the kelly clarkson song i do not hook up instilled what and i think ohio's in the midwest what are you trying to say so you shouldn't have southern values oh yeah you're right i'm in l.

a now [Music] did you like done this before right oh yeah um yeah lots of times all right good to meet you so many times oh god what is that what's wrong oh my god oh oh oh get up it was like that scene an alien after they eat dinner with the you know you know that scene why don't pay you to laugh at me your parents pay me yeah frankly todd i'm surprised by your behavior you're willfully barking up the wrong tree but i'm unclear as to what you're even chasing is it sex is it love what do you want i don't know what i want i know what i don't want i don't want to be alone for the rest of my life excuse me do you work here [Music] tell me you don't love me tell me you don't love me and i'll let you get on that korean air flight and never look back my whole life i've been waiting for you to appear in my life and make me whole that was good rory uh i think she should be crying in the scene though so uh take a minute and then we'll try again okay and i see on your special skills uh you can do a zoe de chanel impression i'd love to hear it it's so soft i can't believe it's not cotton i'm probably gonna take that off do you have any other questions before we uh give this another whirl no no i mean yes are you really asking or is that just an obligatory gesture i'm really asking this isn't a comedy right no so jenna has a genius iq it says she's runway gorgeous and she studies jiu jitsu i am having some trouble understanding why she'd be attracted to jonah who doesn't work out he's unemployed and they have absolutely nothing in common remember jenna has a troubled past right yes dead dad which i get because i have that so i can understand if it was like a whole solace i just want to [ __ ] the pain away kind of thing although you'd think with all her cia training she'd have developed some equanimity but she chooses to stay with him in wisconsin or potentially thwarting a north korean nuclear missile crisis i mean that's that's a lot people do crazy things when they're in love okay now you're just quoting hercules you done cleaning up yes yeah i am uh again i'm so sorry that i was like my audition ran really long and then the 405 was back don't even worry about him yeah i'm firing you what i would have fired you when you got in but jamie called in sick and we were short-handed you fired jamie i like jamie and you clearly don't want to be a waitress so who the [ __ ] wants to be a waitress the food here sucks oh put that back put it back is the seat taken does it look like it's taken don't deflect move the story forward okay um no would you like to join me for a cup of joe have i seen you somewhere before um maybe are you familiar with the filmography of lars von trier so you're an actress do you want my autograph have you ever done the sex scene hmm does rape count no uh okay rory um we're not gonna tell you what you can and can't say we're not the pc police but rape is never funny i thought it was funny i didn't laugh hey it's not like i was mocking rape victims i was mocking actors uh-huh not everybody can make that distinction it's not my fault if people are [ __ ] stupid my best friend was date raped in college that made me feel really uncomfortable see right it's different for people who've actually been affected by sexual abuse yes i would know thank you if you need to talk to someone my best friend really loves her therapist your date reprint no colleen moved to boston we don't really talk anymore hey karen it's your daughter and i'm just going to chat um how's your luck i hear they have great what do they have in sri lanka anyway i'm trying to be less negative so i'm going to sandwich technique this for you it didn't run so that's positive um i got fired and everybody in my improv class thinks i'm a huge [ __ ] and i got a parking ticket and i think there's a dead mouse in my garbage disposal so that's my negative thing that's all 24 hours so it counts as one thing and positive positive what's positive oh i thought i saw amy adams at trader joe's but it was just isla fisher so i'm out here living the dream hey you know that's saying um shoot for the moon even if you miss you'll land among the stars i did some research and apparently the closest star excluding our sun is still four light years away from earth so if you miss the moon you don't land on anything ever you just float aimlessly in space until you die okay so call me back sometime or whatever bye is [Music] i don't want to see excuse me do you work here no but i get that a lot i don't know why you're restocking the shelves oh some of the books are out of order yeah but it's not your job valid counterpoint i was at staples the other day and somebody asked me if he sold paperweights and i wasn't doing anything i was just standing there were you wearing a red shirt no i know what your problem is you have a very friendly demeanor like you look super helpful can i fix that yeah sure don't make eye contact don't smile the more you can project an air of antipathy the less you'll be approached it's not a hobby it's a way of life i'm ignoring you it's convincing i can practice later sorry i'm on your way everything's sort of in disarray at the moment i mean it gets worse before it gets better no no you're fine i just the library's hiring i wanted to drop off my resume to a corporeal entity if possible good word corporeal thank you and then typically you said that earlier yeah that's one of my go-to smart people words see your smart people what you know that handful of words that you overuse in conversations to impress strangers even if they don't really fit like my wish defenders are emblematic and perspective you don't do that do you okay i'm sorry ignore me i am pretentious apparently my middle name is pretentious so or even stephen is that a joke like danger is my middle name no uh my middle name is preston it's a pretentious name i'm trying to relate to you right preston is pretentious yeah yeah some would say that it is preston chiss would they if it's the joke yeah copy my first name is todd hi todd i'm rory oh i like that name thank you it reminds me of rory gilmore you watch gilmore girls i watch gilmore girls i've owned all the seven seasons on dvd i own all seven seasons i almost went to yale because of that [ __ ] i almost went to eel because of that show i didn't get in obviously i did that sucks i'm sorry oh favorite rory boyfriend on one two three jess jess obviously do you think i'm gay pardon one can like gilmore girls and be naughty i wasn't assuming anything okay cause both my friends think i'm gay so i didn't want you to last week i had sex with a girl well woman well girl good good for you sorry i don't know why i said that i'm not bragging i only got my hand and not because she was gay or i'm gay because she was a virgin no it's fine really i i believe you oh i just don't want you to label me so i don't labels are for vegans as i sometimes say i eat meat i uh you know feel bad for the animals i prefer to eat smaller animals like chickens um because the smaller you are the less likely you are to feel pain i know that it might not be trevor looked into it thoroughly i already have a lot of guilt on my plate so hmm what oh nothing i just um i thought maybe you wanted to ask me something so you said you're an actress have i seen you in anything uh maybe have you seen two girls one cup no when did it come out oh i'm just kidding sorry i hate that question when did it come out no have i seen you in anything it's like you you haven't but anyway it's a porn video you want a porn video no no no two girls one cup is a porn veg you never really oh well it's it's two girls and then they um they [ __ ] into oh it's not mm-hmm yeah yeah if you could no just change i'm a very visual person change the topic okay sure great um uh what do you do well i i get an interest of thought so i keep replaying that image for work for work work for work what do you do software coding and i house that as a side hobby but mostly just the me people who do you meet house sitting the owners before they leave oh whose house is this my first cousin once removed chiropractor's ex-wife and what does she do i didn't ask you have a very symmetrical face thank you i'm developing an app called face value that leverages machine learning to measure facial bilateral symmetry on a scale of one to ten you can tell a lot about a person by their face yeah what does my face say oh i'm glad you asked facial symmetry indicates extraversion sometimes lower levels of neuroticism and developmental stability definitely not it's true they've done studies uh yeah well to invalidate that research uh i don't have a dad my mom was she still is a surgeon for doctors without borders so she was always gone and uh my brother basically raised me except he got addicted to heroin he stole a bunch of money from my nana we kind of talk anymore so they [ __ ] up why am i telling you this i don't know i do um i have a theory that millennials overshare because we're the most godless generation so that's why we confess everything on social media it's sort of our way to cling to some kind of permanence are you on social media no are you no um well it's just a theory oh i see it now what you're drug addict brother he's a right so what's your face value 6.

2 oh that doesn't sound good it's not i have a deviated septum a triangle of moles on this side and then only one dimple that's ironic you know guy obsessed with symmetry has crooked face you must hate yourself yeah most of the time oh no it didn't mean no i don't i'm just [ __ ] with you don't hate yourself i said okay so you're legit ocd right you're not just like oh i'm so ocd i save all the red skittles for last oh i do save the red skittles for last but i'm also a checker and a washer and i don't fly you don't fly how do you get anywhere well i don't need to go anywhere paris small fridges new york i can drive to new york have you no but i've seen taxi driver in cloverfield so i get the idea you know driving is way more dangerous than flying right not the way i drive do you see a psychiatrist yes but mostly i see a psychoanalyst because i like to talk a lot and i used to do cognitive behavioral therapy to help with my phobias what are you afraid of everything under the sun the sun you're afraid of the sun yeah i try to avoid it especially during the hours of 10 a.

m and 4 p.

m when the uv rays are the most potent because i'm afraid it's going to expedite my cancer oh wait you have cancer oh not yet but i will you will there's a 44 chance that i'll develop some form of cancer throughout my lifetime and i've never been exceptionally lucky but you need serotonin sunlight's good for your soul i know i don't get enough and it stresses me out and the worst part is that stress causes cancer it's a vicious cycle it really is so are you afraid of dying too soon or just dying in general the latter i don't want to die ever oh see i'm the opposite i already know how i want to die i am 90 and i just won my second oscar i used to say third but i don't want to be unrealistic uh and i fall asleep hugging a panda and then she falls asleep and then she rolls over and accidentally smothers me oh that sounds nice but i can understand i can understand i want you to die prematurely because like if i if i died now before i'd done anything you know like significant i would be livid well like how many people would be jumping in their boots to die suicidal people i don't hang out they're probably not the jumping times i know some unless it's off but seriously if i died now i would literally kill somebody but literally well no oh no oh god that's one of my biggest pet peeves i can't believe it well they say that things you don't like about other people are usually problems that you have with yourself okay first of all who says that nobody says that that is rude second of all um i did mean literally what you literally kill somebody to be not dead yeah like i'm not saying i'd go out and sign up to be a terrorist but if somebody put a gun to my head and they said hey kill that guy are gonna kill you i'd be like hey sorry man i gotta look out for number one no matter who it was um well maybe if it was like no i'd let obama die your parents they've had their time a baby i would definitely kill a baby what oh come on think about how much time and investment goes into raising a well-adjusted adult i am college-educated i have great sense of humor i'm going to be a famous actress i am way more beneficial to society than a useless resource-consuming baby wow i'm like painting the mona lisa white to start fresh what if that baby was the next picasso uh more likely scenario what if it was a gang banger or a heroin addict or just had a real crooked face like you i'm joking god i'm joking oh sorry you're really easy no i just it's the same reason i don't want to have kids i figure murphy's law if i had kids i'd probably end up like the mother we need to talk about kevin oh i thought that was gonna be one of those movies where they say the title somewhere in the dialogue and i kept waiting for it to happen and it never did and it really bothered me not the massacre itself just the fact that nobody ever said we need to talk about kevin you know it just wasn't right my mom wants me to have kids she wants me to have kids and she wants me to save the planet and i'm like [ __ ] can i can i just do what makes me happy you know like isn't that why our forefathers bombed and pillaged other countries so that i could be happy and and as much as i i pretend to give no [ __ ] so my mother thinks invariably the only way that i can justify being an actor which is like the epitome of vanity is to be a disgustingly rich philanthropist like paul newman and trying to be paul newman all the time is way too much pressure tell me about it what would you do would you shoot the baby i'd shoot the baby thank you but if it was you or me i'd shoot me sorry hey are you okay yeah sorry um it's just the wine and the cake and um we've been talking for eight hours why are you so nice oh i'm not that nice yes you are no i'm not you're the nicest person in l.

a really i'm not i lie to homeless people i always have change i just don't give it to them [Music] i think i'm depressed well that's okay i'm depressed too i should lie down well if you feel like you're gonna throw up don't okay i don't know why i'm here i don't mean existentially specifically l.

a i hate meeting people so what do you do i'm an actress oh have i seen you in anything oh go [ __ ] yourself no offense i usually lie and and say i'm a geospatial analyst or something because the truth is and i i know i know that all yuppies are miserable because we have these kind of miracle expectations that will inevitably falter to reality because we can't accept that we are not as special as we think we are but i don't care about them i care about me and i was valedictorian in high school which shouldn't mean anything except that it does it means i was better than 87 other people small private school you know i honestly thought that i would be an outlier like that malcolm gladwell book outliers that i read at the starbucks across from caa but nothing ever [ __ ] manifests and i'm already old when did that happen and i know that they say it's who you know or rather who knows you but nobody knows me nobody really knows me and i keep going out for these stupid [ __ ] student films where everything is a dream and then i don't even get a call back and i didn't even want it anyway and i must be dreaming i must be dreaming i must be out of my [ __ ] mind and i am so poor well you're a great actress you've never even seen me act oh yeah that's true but i can just tell i mean you're smart and you're funny and you're clean and that's all you need stop it no really you have a star personality you're like katherine hepburn the stage is real life buster that was really good thanks can i hold your hand [Music] hi you've reached todd's color i'm sorry i missed you but please leave your name number time and date your comment followed by any other pertinent information get back to you as soon as reasonably possible hi it's uh rory my number is 206 377-2616 it's like 2 30-ish on a wednesday and i'm sorry i have another call oh it's you okay um i'll i'll talk to you in a second hello hi you called you called first oh right you're still unemployed i just must have been a gentler way to phrase that but yes good so a friend of one of my clients asked me to house it for her while she's vacationing in europe but it's a bit of a drive so i wanted to see if you were available she's driving to europe no what you lost me i'm house sitting in monterey oh but i can't drive for that long by myself or i'll fall asleep and die so i wanted to see if you'd be interested in joining me i'll pay you okay yeah i didn't know if you could get away with auditions and all wait why wouldn't you just hire someone more local i organize closets i have great references of course you do the only thing is how do you feel about dogs dogs yes dogs i normally adhere to a strict no pets policy but if you're with me i could be persuaded the deal breaker is that you have to be the poo picker stop you had me at i'll pay i think so okay and you have to look right at me and give a straight face okay and no frowning because that's cheating okay okay baby come on man you don't even let me finish oh that's you suck okay your turn what's the line again baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby i love you but i just can't smile weak weak choice okay okay hmm baby if you love me will you please just give me a smile baby i love you but i just can't smile what the [ __ ] was that are you trying i am trying i'm just not good at this game it's because you're self-conscious look if you want to make me smile you have to humiliate yourself in a way that isn't like cute or endearing have ugly we'll travel okay baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile yes yeah yeah that was a smile i i win you didn't smile on purpose did you i don't know i don't know okay okay baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby i love you but i just can't smile [Music] do you want to be my girlfriend [Music] rory i'm so glad to finally meet you todd has been m.

i.

a forever three months yeah that's like 24 months and [ __ ] and you didn't tell me that rory's so pretty oh thank you i mean you look like a model i am a model you clearly haven't heard anything about me and this is my boo zayn he's also a model but mostly underwear hi zane so updates good well we just got back from san diego professional house sitters oh funny fans from london at the vernacular we also sit dogs no cats i'm allergic she just hates them i do we should tell danny for the holidays it's got that tiny wiener okay enough business rory how did you two meet well it's kind of funny actually todd do you want to tell it well you tell it better stop i love it already we met in the self-help section of the library he was talking shelves so i thought he works there and i was looking for a job he found him instead so cute all of it how did you insane me troop sex party rory what do you do i'm a geospatial analyst she's an actress well i totally believed you do you have an agent should i get one are they helpful oh my god yes booking it from that one i know sorry i'm looking um is anyone getting food oh we're on a cleanse but you should try their artisan flatbread my treat i just want to smell it oh we shouldn't we're having a pizza tomorrow night can we do that thursday well we're making mongolian things right right you plan out all your suppers in advance what's our documentary dark night is that some roleplay thing i enjoy spanking uh every thursday we watch a documentary to keep our relationship cognitively stimulating this thursday we're watching the story of the weeping camel because it said in mongolia so we thought it would be ironic if we were eating mongolian well it wouldn't be ironic it'd be ironic if we were eating camel i don't think that whole food sells camel is that a joke was it not funny it's okay scale of one to six scales one to six oh my god who are you dressing up as varieta's birthday party writer's having a birthday party yeah the theme is iconic movie couples i thought you'd be on that like asian on rice didn't you get the elite white on rice yeah but don't asians eat more rice i didn't get the e-bite oh well you know ryder he's [ __ ] full are you making fun of my accent oh no i'm saying he's faggetful because he's a [ __ ] who's forgetful you can't say [ __ ] in america well todd made it up it's not right no i anyway you have to come plus marcus stafford will be there and he would be a perfect talent manager for rory really yeah i mean he's always saying that his clients are [ __ ] but i'm sure he would love you [ __ ] a i feel like sandra bullock in the blind side making dreams come true we need to go home i think i left the toaster wrong you didn't leave the toaster we could go home and play the game of life and turn off the toaster we're never playing that game again you get too emotional also the toaster is always off unless you put toast in it you don't put toast on toast red well you said toast you know what i meant the toaster is always on unless you unplug it and i forgot to unplug it so it's on you do not forget to unplug things so either you're being paranoid or you're making up excuses to avoid going inside both are scenarios i refuse to accommodate okay fine but if you get bored and you want to leave just use a safe word what's the safe word i don't know we haven't picked one yet how about snollygoster it's not very discreet how would i slip it into a sentence honey have you seen my snollygoster what's a snowyguster you're right people ask questions i'm just saying how funny would it have been if the fifth woman had been dick oh my god todd ryder happy birthday it has been so long i think i thought you were dead and you must be rory hi nice to meet you you're tod's girlfriend yes how is that going it's a ball super is that for me it is yeah todd picks it out it's from creighton barrel don't tell him that it's not from crate and barrel if you don't like it there's a gift for seat you know what i bet i'm gonna love it because our todd here has the aesthetic tastes of a well-oiled woman uh where should i put it that's what todd said what what um the guest bedroom is down the hall it's the second door and you're right okay oh okay i'm fine okay so like she's in on it then and on what you're paul newman and cat on a hot tin roof oh you got it we were worried nobody would recognize us oh god todd you must know that he was gay right paul newman no he's not his character his character was gay that's why they never had any sex uh i didn't pick up on that at all i think you just see subliminal homosexuality no he was gay okay the film was made in the 50s so hollywood censored the gayness and you would know that if you had ever read the [ __ ] play i just like the movie [Music] oh right todd this is trent trent this is todd guess which movie couple we are brokeback mountain no he's butch cassidy and i'm the sundance kid because i'm a total bottom stop making paul newman gay okay there's no evidence well i heard he slept with james dean he did no he was married to joanne for 50 years and they were very happy baby is this your gay friend that's hitting your girl that's the one do you guys have sex or i don't i don't have to answer that that's a no we're just taking it slow and that's denial [ __ ] are gross semen for the win todd doesn't like bodily fluids you know [ __ ] have juices right they spray at you like spiderman you're making me uncomfortable oh i'm sorry i have a big mouth he's not exaggerating i just think it's kind of sad that you haven't found yourself it's a waste he's scared all right yeah he's okay i'm gonna go find rory okay baby did you and todd ever no sorry wow rory meg come sit with us you look so pretty who are you oh thank you i'm i'm elizabeth taylor from cattle hot and roof oh my god whoa you and todd have a [ __ ] and sense of humor i don't get it okay so liz is married to paul newman and [ __ ] hits the fan because he's secretly gay i don't think that's what happens well didn't you read the play in the play it's obvi that he has the hots for skipper well i just like the movie oh because you said oh no it's okay it's okay todd told me everybody used to think he was gay we didn't just think he was gay he was gay like he went to gay bars he had a gay eharmony account he sucked jerry's gay willy willingly what oh just the tip but that was before you don't worry he's totally crazy about you right right yeah i know can i ask you a personal question how's that in bed well you know he um he is uh great i knew it he's so attentive right i bet he's one of those guys who makes it all about pleasing you like i literally have to drag zayn's tongue to my [ __ ] well maybe if you shaved shut the [ __ ] up i had a skin infection so i stopped you want to talk bushy mcpherson what about you i love your ass god i'm so funny todd we're doing cake [ __ ] oh let's go oh come on rory meet marcus he's a talent manager rory is a phenomenal actress oh she's never seen the act yeah you got a good look you're attractive in an ordinary sort of way the kind of thing you'd find out of supercuts in puerto rico thanks you know one of my clients she keeps nagging me she's like marcus you never send me out anymore and it's like baby i try but there's just only so many roles every year for a female troll i dropped her if she wasn't my niece [Music] it is ironic because rain on your wedding day is considered good luck even though it's a logistical nightmare brain is not good luck it's a cultural belief that a wet knot is harder to untie fine whatever it doesn't matter it's not ironic it's a logical paradox it'd be ironic if you were marrying a meteorologist named sunny weathers and he planned an outdoor summer wedding in arizona and then it rained but only if he set the date what if sunny weathers wanted it to rain because it's considered good luck and so his forecast was right is that ironic then what yes no no todd it's still not okay fine ten thousand spoons when all you need is this it's not ironic how can you say that like if i work at a spoon factory and it's somebody's birthday and i made them in cake but i forgot the knife and i'm like hey does anybody have a knife no but ironically we have ten thousand spoons no because you should have remembered the knife you wouldn't expect there to be a knife at a spoon factory it's not ironic it's just unfortunate it would be ironic if it was a knife factory they had a policy against using company knives for personal use and then you had nothing to cut the [ __ ] cake with todd that would be ironic well i think you have a very narrow definition of the word ironic you're missing the point she's transpired an entire generation of adolescents who just casually toss the word around to the point where irony has lost its whole [ __ ] meaning it hasn't lost its meaning it's just evolved language is fluid yeah well you'd be one to talk about fluidity okay and how would you like me to extrapolate that state you know what's really ironic arguing about an alanis morissette song with your gay boyfriend i don't see the irony in that and if that's an accusation then i will have you know that ryder is an unreliable source did you know that he cheated on his eye exam he can't cheat on an eye exam time he did he just memorized the letters okay meg said and i quote you sucked jerry's gay willy willingly well that is hearsay and as such it's an admissible you're really not gonna admit no i won't admit it because there's just a couple of licks and it didn't mean anything oh my god it means you're gay it means that i'm possibly bisexual if you feel obliged to pigeonhole me into a category of sexual identity that you can easily apprehend okay fine i admit that i've dabbled in mail on mail coding in the past but i found it repulsive and i'm with you now and i chose you and you're a woman what else do you need to know my have you ever tried to have sex with me i don't like bodily fluids you can't use your ocd's an excuse for everything just because you can control your brain doesn't mean it's a universal skill set and i don't recall you attempting to sex me either and have i accused you of being a lesbian yeah well it's different for me why is it different for you because because why because because you are supposed to be the man well that's really sexist and frankly you should feel offended todd we have been dating for six months and you haven't even tried to fondle my boobs this is not normal well being normal is vastly overrated oh my god you're quoting sabrina the teenage witch you are so gay halloween time whatever's still gay fine there does that matter no god stop it what do you want i want a real relationship this is a real relationship no no this is playing house our names are not on the lease and even if we were married it would be an old because there's been no [ __ ] consummation well that's redundant what [ __ ] consummation it's redundant focus todd sorry fine let's do it what sex let's do the sex i know no not now i'm hardly in the right frame of mind right now tonight then i guess yeah okay tonight okay it's tonight it came so fast it doesn't i'm just gonna take a shower first there you go [Music] okay i think we need to talk about the elephant in the room the white elephant uh sure yeah the color doesn't really matter well the phrase is the white elephant in the room no it's not yes it is it's derived from the short story hills like white elephants wait what by ernest hemingway yeah no i know i've read it do you know what that story's about abortion okay yes but they never explicitly say the word abortion it's the white elephant in the room the thing nobody wants to talk about no you're mixed up the white elephant is the unborn baby well unborn baby abortion i think you're arguing semantics no it's not semantics the elephant in the room is the thing nobody wants to talk about the white elephant is an unwanted possession that's a [ __ ] to get rid of you're like mixing two separate idioms what are are you sure yes so then what's the time for the [ __ ] elephants we need to talk about sex so sex is the white elephant no it's the elephant in the room okay i'm sorry why are you getting so angry because you're not listening to me i am listening i'm just confused you're confused i'm confused do you do you want sex only if you do okay well i don't okay good great wonderful i realized that i may have undermined your ocd i just have to accept that you don't like bodily fluids so maybe sex isn't on your agenda and for me i mean we know that i think intercourse is a primitive national pastime that's been overblown by the media in popular culture and copulation is only intended for reproduction and we both hate babies so really the question is why do we want to ruin our relationship with sex we don't i concur also objectively to a random bystander who didn't know we were having intimacy problems we look just like paul and joanne and who cares what society thinks anyway right and it would be ridiculous to say that we're just best friends i mean we live together we sleep together we kiss sometimes with tongue your crumbs are falling sorry it's okay i'll vacuum later and you give great back massages which let's be honest is basically comparable to an orgasm anyway and you know maintaining routine passionate sex is a hurdle for any couple when you think about it we're just throwing in the towel early exactly i mean 65 of married couples stop having sex after 10 years really i don't know i just made that number well it sounds like a real statistic it does doesn't it i'm so glad we had this talk me too oh so sex is the white elephant because it's the thing we want to get rid of okay okay that's true you're right are you happy yes and why do you think that is because if you love someone enough you can change the other day i was rereading the life-changing magic of tidying up and i accidentally ripped page 138 and it didn't even bother me that much good for you i did get rid of the book but only because it was no longer bringing me joy anyway rory makes me a better person i'm not crying my hand eczema is gone i'm watching more documentaries it's so funny to think i was in here just six months ago complaining about how it's going to be alone forever what a hoot you know todd i have to admit when i told you to experiment with your heterosexual inklings i wasn't sure it was the best idea but you actually may be somewhat straight like a kinsey three thank you that means so much coming from you you're welcome will you be spending thanksgiving with your parents i will yes and i'm bringing rory how exciting please remind them that they still owe me for september i sent them an invoice mm-hmm nice to meet you nice to [Laughter] okay so when can we expect grandkids mother what rory is the first girl that you brought home it's my cultural duty to torment you in front of her oh but we don't want children they bring you unhappiness no don't be so self-deprecating todd we forgive you it's true they've done studies parents report statistically lower levels of happiness and marital satisfaction compared to non-parents that's funny i don't recall filling out a survey oh well not not not all parents i'm sure i'm sure you guys are outliers but i can't handle irrational behavior or crying or poop well having kids fills your life with purpose but does that intangible sense of purpose outweigh the burden of lost sleep time and income or are you justifying your actions i have no buyer's remorse you were the second best decision i ever made what was the first investing in google what am i you're the fourth what we have everything we need why would we purposefully follow a path that could obstruct our personal happiness because there are some things in life that are more important than personal happiness like what i don't know honey why don't we just ask our friend socrates or gandhi maybe harriet tubman would know that little blonde kid can pay it forward oh i love him whatever happened to that kid okay point made all right here's why you have kids now you're both healthy intelligent valuable contributors to society so you have a biological imperative to pass on those genes because you know who's ruining this country the mexicans wally okay dad can we save the racism until after dessert what i'm not saying that all mexicans are stupid i'm just saying and there's plenty of literature to back me up on this there is an inverse correlation between intelligence and fertility and guess who's popping out the most babies mexicans bingo and you all know who's the smartest race asians goddamn right what he means is you would both make excellent parents no no what i mean is everything that's ultimately wrong with the world is caused by stupidity so smart people have an obligation to combat reverse darwinism then why am i an only child you were enough rory name a social issue don't encourage him eight aids wouldn't even exist if some [ __ ] idiot didn't have sex with a monkey that is this what okay you know how i'd eradicate stupid people sarin gas no how this is what i would do every male should have a vasectomy at birth just a little snip snip in order to qualify for a reverse vasectomy the couple in question would have to pass a series of aptitude tests okay no that's actually genius no that is completely unethical you cannot advance society by debasing natural human rights and what i'm saying is that having children shouldn't be a right it should be a privilege amen okay ethics aside implementation would be impossible no government can ever get todd stop being so pragmatic he's obviously being hypothetical listen to your girlfriend's son okay hypothetically this would be a repressive caste system that would be a proletarian revolution you're right instead of abortion clinics we would have pregnancy clinics would that change the meaning of pro-choice oh and you just know that there'd be some skeez ball on skid row with a trench coat who was like hey you want to buy some sperm it's probably not even human sperm okay i have a hypothetical what if a very smart and beautiful woman married no just stupid man are you trying to say something no it is true she's just with me for the sex oh honey come on out in front of the kids oh come on todd is a big boy now he should know that his old man still pitches like roger clements yes he does is that a basketball person oh hi hmm oh god look at that oh tiny boy todd you used to be so cheerful what happened it was just sweet this little baby oh my god this reminds me i think it's in the garage honey we have um a video of todd doing the macarena to building a mystery and he called it the nervousness of the message he called it the sarah mclacharina oh tibenka can we find this of course i'm going to send wally out to look for right oh oh wait look at this one that's in venice okay where are you going to sweetie i have more you seem well are you taking your meds yes that girl is something else you really hit the jackpot thank you it's hot i am dad i'm proud of you just want you to know that are your hands getting tired no i can keep going [Music] did my dad seem unusually nice to you yeah he's awesome your mom is doubly awesome because she's 50 less racist i know this is my anxiety talking i just always thought my parents love me unconditionally and tonight i felt like they loved me more like they were relieved that you were a girl and i kept thinking that if i brought a boy home it would have been like that they wouldn't have used a good jar the turkey would have been dry my dad wouldn't hug me he'd just shake my hand [Music] i know why am i thinking that right stupid brain okay my turn i think they're just happy that you're happy yeah you're probably right [Music] todd rory merry holidays we brought fluffer letters bitching you can put them mixed with jello shots don't spaz but write about jerry jerry who blow job jerry we don't spaz i'm sure he won't say anything you don't want him to say god this is so awkward right is it you know todd is such a sweet guy i'm so happy for you guys i guess you didn't like me but whatever what are you gonna do right mm-hmm and you are here with writer yeah he invited me last minute you know i didn't think he'd like me either he usually doesn't even respond to my texts but you know what i bet somebody else bailed and he just invited me because he knew i'd be available [Music] tonight should be fun though civilization is generous alex heath ledger judy garland island degeneres 28.

62 we beat you so bad you didn't do anything yeah i'm sorry whose idea was it to have [ __ ] will and grace on the same team you know i've actually never seen will and grace they are so cute i want that yeah keep dreaming jerry well we could play a different game i brought bananagrams and exploding kittens and i tried to bring cena turner classics edition but this one confiscated it it's not fun when you know all the answers that's fun for me okay [ __ ] all those options i'm the hostess and i've decided we're gonna play a grown-up game truth or dare i dare you to strip naked and let me draw flowers all over your body fine oh wow gentlemen ryder truth or dare dare obviously i dare you to spank jimmy's arse it's jerry you heard the man jimmy get your sweet push over here okay i did not oh and a bad bad boy jack all those nights alone i live alone oh god yeah this is what you like it's not okay that one is too hard ah there we go so fun meg truth or dare please um i dare you to give everyone at this party a lap dance oh my god yes alexa play a [ __ ] playlist i'm in the shower can i come in what in the shower could i come in well i have a personal body backwards so i can reach everywhere it might be counterproductive please i won't um i won't look i promise okay so good night good night i love you i love you too [Music] [Music] [Music] what are you doing can't you tell well i think so but should be obvious you shouldn't i know stop stop acting like now or in general you tell me are you getting cast is this routine working for you i think you have a trojan impossible i only bare back my nickname in college was literally bareback rider that's really unsafe yeah it's also a joke todd i read the iliad the trojan horse wasn't in the iliad okay i skimmed the iliad keep shutting me down what do you do on the internet do you really want to know no are you sure you might like it i'm sure we don't like the same things okay keep telling yourself that todd okay you know what you can fix this i would if i could but i don't know what your problem is i thought that you said it was a trojan no i yes it's the trojan i don't know what your problem is with me do you really want to know yes my problem with you todd is that you are trying so hard to be something that you're not and it's offensive oh i offend you yes you offend me you are not bisexual todd and it's gays like you who can't get over their internalized homophobic shame that reinforce society's idea that actual bisexuality is a myth why do you even care you're not bisexual i've slept with bisexuals so rory is not your girlfriend todd she's your [ __ ] katie holmes well i love her no you think you love her but you are going to break that poor girl's heart yeah you'd like that wouldn't you right because i'm the [ __ ] in this situation well you are what you eat and where'd you get to be so clever todd i've always been clever what are you doing can't you tell well i think so but maybe it should be obvious you shouldn't i know i mean i really wish it wouldn't you should have thought of that is it because of what i did partly yes mostly no stop doing that and really listen to me you don't recognize no do you i'm just asking you to listen i said no [Music] so better that would never [ __ ] happen i know it's irrational but that doesn't mean it would never happen it's more than a rational todd it's paranoia nobody has ever been murdered because they registered as an organ donor i didn't say that i think i'm going to be murdered i said as soon as i register as an organ donor i think i'm going to die why because it would be ironic shirley you can appreciate that also i don't like the idea of my organs in somebody else's body it's like when different foods touch i need a kidney i need a kidney and you're a perfect match you're typo i can't give you a kidney you can give me a kidney hypothetically if you could save my life with one of your organs would you hypothetically yes realistically todd just leave it tied how about now no i'm sorry we could try an open relationship if you think that would help what if i have homosexual anxiety ocd so i have an obsessive irrational fear of being gay but i'm actually straight or what if my fear of being gay has nothing to do with my ocd but i have an ego to sonic sexual orientation meaning i just don't want to be gay because it conflicts with my idealized self-image perpetuated by popular culture or what if i'm a heteromantic asexual so i'm romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to nobody and the thing is when i say them out loud they all sound right but what if i'm none of the above do you remember what happened when your father took you to disneyland and tried to force you onto a roller coaster yes of course i was there what happened i started screaming that he was kidnapping me and he almost got arrested and we never went back you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it get on a roller coaster or try anal sex i get it i'm the horse but am i a gay horse am i a straight horse or my shetland pony which is basically a gay horse that's what ryder would say if he was here see he's in my head will you please just like tell me what i am well why don't we just start with the basics are you sure you're a boy well i was until now it's interesting rory oh my god it is you hi wow this is crazy flakes hi nicole shaw from belmont high i know i know i know i look totally different yeah nice job i got a nose job oh so whoa here you are auditioning i didn't even know you were an actress did you do plays in high school um no not really did you yeah i was in every play right so how long have you been in la are you booking a lot or oh um well i'm actually not supposed to say anything but i'm the new face of the squatty potty nice wow yeah i booked two nationals this year so it's like hell yeah no more day job what was your day job oh no i'm just being facetious i never had one um thank god you know that's not really facetious no you're so sweet no i mean how'd you pay rent i live with my boo and he's in banks or something so that's super convenient and you know my my parents will help me if i max out my card they just like they love me too much to see me suffer people think that all we do is memorize lines but acting is really the hardest job there is i don't know about that no it is it's emotionally exhausting sure but it's not like a heart transplant if you're doing it right it is hey janice here's those files you wanted [Music] is my sorry is my breath that bad how about now better yeah uh that was great nicole um will you just stick around for a little bit oh of course yeah thank you so much um rory rory rory rory um that's all we need thank you so much for coming in today okay yeah thanks bye-bye great job you're really loud oh thank you so much bye [Music] i'm moving to seattle you can't be an actress in seattle well apparently i can't be one here either not with that attitude todd i am too smart to keep investing my life in a career in a relationship that is going nowhere lucille ball what about lucille ball lucille ball didn't make it big until she was 40.

oh my god i mean what if she had given up can you imagine that why are you packing you can have your own show i rub rory yeah and then you can be my heavily accented straight man yeah no todd come on todd todd if you don't want me to go why are you packing i don't know those aren't my clothes i know todd we can do better we both deserve more i don't want more i'm happy i'm not well that's your fault not mine god next week or maybe five years from now you could meet the right guy you could and maybe that's someone who doesn't want to touch your butt or maybe you learn to like it i don't know but i i can't just sit around and wait for you to hurt me why would i hurt you when i love you i don't think that you can love somebody else until you love yourself well i love myself when i'm with you todd this isn't one of our debates you can't win what if this is as good as it gets like that movie as good as it gets sometimes something's gotta give like that movie the day after tomorrow well can you just tell me what you want so i can try i i want my own apartment that accurately represents one-third of my income and i want my own friends that are less attractive than me and i want simultaneous orgasms and those are things you can't give you said you didn't want sex yeah i changed my mind that's not loud uh maybe one day i want kids hey todd todd come on todd don't todd hey todd don't come on todd i'm sorry i i don't want kids i don't want kids god that was stupid i don't know why i said that i'm sorry come on todd todd todd i'm sorry i'm sorry i didn't mean it i hate babies we know this todd come on okay okay todd i need you to breathe all right just just breathe for me okay it's okay todd it's okay you're gonna [Music] todd i'm here okay i'm just gonna sit right here but i need you to breathe all right i'm right here i'm just i'm just gonna be right here [Music] people say that finding love is hard well i did the math there are four million people living in los angeles based off the 2010 census approximately eight percent of whom are men aged 20 to 30.

five to ten percent of whom identify as gay or bisexual of these thirty two thousand or less men only ten percent will have an iq of 120 or higher so we can eliminate the rest let's be honest of the remaining 3 200 i will be sexually incompatible with most of them while there are no conclusive studies on the number of gay men who abstain from penetrative sex i'm assuming the number is less than 25 especially in my generation and i think that's generous now of these 800 men 30 will be in long-term relationships with each other 60 will find me unattractive either because i'm asian because i have a crooked face or because i'm generally incorrigible and an additional 9 that can actually put up with me i will reject outright over various deal breakers including but not limited to snoring poor dental hygiene and or bad taste in movies that only leaves eight potential soul mates on the high end and after calculating the binomial distribution for randomly meeting any one of them on any given day over the next half century and integrating the probability mass from zero to one number of meetings there is only a point zero zero zero six percent chance that i will ever fall in love which is i'm sure you can guess statistically insignificant i'm having more compulsions so if you could please refer me to a cognitive behavioral therapist i greatly appreciate it why don't you call dr leonetti i don't want him to know that i'm relapsing he has a very high opinion of me he said so in our last session have you considered that your symptoms are being activated by emotional stress oh you think it's psychological well i guess that's why my parents pay you the big bucks i'm sorry i i know i'm projecting i'm projecting i'm projecting i'm projecting rory was a man would you still love her what do you mean if you met a man with all of rory's qualities her interests her intellects her sense of humor would you consider this man your soul mate yes obviously then doubt i think you might be gay like a kinsey five okay fine i'm gay is that what you want to hear is that what the world needs to hear i'm [ __ ] gay i don't have a problem with being gay i have a problem with being alone for the rest of my life well then i think we're making progress i mean gay men have been marrying women since sliced bread i don't know what to tell you maybe rory's right maybe i don't love myself maybe i would have been loyal to her ugh now you're just being silly you're like the definition of loyal you're like that dog old yeller yeah old yeller was loyal until he got rabies and then trevor shot him in the face and he died i'm cheating on zayn what i've been sleeping with this other guy his name is ripper he's beautiful he has an accent zane has an accent i know but he didn't feel foreign to me anymore don't lecture me i know it's [ __ ] look todd my point is i love you but i can't imagine spending more than three days with you at a time that's not a point zayn and i aren't best friends we don't have dark night we don't bananagram we don't lose track of time by an intense conversation we do lose track of time by intense [ __ ] but for me that's easy to come by you know i throw a penny i hit a model can you say the same thing about rory think about it can we go inside now thank you [Music] rory rory oh excuse me do you work here hi karen it's rory i just thought i'd drop you a line uh work is good my boss wanted me to decorate my cubicle apparently my lack of framed photographs is darkening her aura so i photoshopped myself into a fashion spread with the cast of the oc and then she was like all of your friends are white and i was like i know i'm sorry oh in 23 days i qualify for medical which is great because i can't hear certain frequencies in my left ear i think i might have like an acoustic neuroma or something i know i sound like oh i found this cool website called see your folks.

com and apparently i'm gonna see you seven more times before you die i did i didn't say you were living in the philippines i know that's temporary but i think it might excuse the results um okay call me back bye i keep telling them we need to get a second toaster you know these traffic jams are driving me mad you should write up a cost-benefit analysis when management sees this loss of employee productivity surely they will cave to your demands so uh what kind of bagel are you having sesame nice what kind of bailey are you having garlic lovely well i'm i'm not planning on kissing anyone today so yeah are you am i what do you have plans to kiss anyone today nope nothing on the calendar [Music] oh [Music] [Applause] god why can't you just have sex for five minutes like a normal person hey rory oh hey craig yeah a bunch of us are going to check out this new thai place for lunch it's not a party unless you're there um yeah okay i like ty great yeah we're about to head over for sure um i'm just i'm just gonna finish this and then uh i'll meet you guys there don't work too hard rory gilmore you watch gomer girls oh yeah yeah i own like all the seasons on dvd yeah me too hey craig random question hit me if somebody had a gun to your head and they said kill this baby or i'm gonna kill you what would you do what baby there's like a baby on the floor it's just lying on the floor okay it's on a shelf but you have a gun and you can either kill the baby or you get shot can't i just kill the guy with a gun pointed to my head no he's too fast he's like james bond why would james bond make me kill a baby it's a hypothetical situation craig oh i mean i i guess i would uh save the baby i mean i don't think i could live with the guilt yeah why what would you do oh i would save the the baby obviously you're so funny rory excuse me do you work here todd what what are you doing here how did you find me well your landlord called me for a reference check she had your employer info on file she just gave it to you well her english wasn't very good yeah i think she's bulgarian hmm i would have guessed hungarian what's the difference well hungarians can't make the sound the what the f sound okay never mind todd how did you even get to seattle did you d did you take a plane yes for you really no i drove it took three days i had to put a hotel in sacramento and medford look you you called me no no i didn't yes you did my butt my butt dialed you well i think your butt knows what your heart wants i think you called me like that episode of gilmore girls where lorelei calls luke like that movie the way we were where barbra streisand calls robert revere because she really needed her best friend todd this is too meta for me i'm your best friend and i just want to be the way we were you know how that movie ends right yes and it sucked and that's why and that's why todd what is this it's our song i have never heard this song in my life will every rainbow asses start somewhere what todd how long have these people been out there were they one per tree what if i didn't show up what if i worked late i snuck out the back and car pulled to chipotle i don't know you're crazy people do crazy things and they're in [Music] love [Music] i love you i will always love you and i know that you're scared that i'm going to hurt you so i'm giving you my guarantee rory will you you didn't even let me finish no i will not marry you why are you not disgusting okay they need to leave whoever they are do you know these people great okay hi excuse me i'm sorry but um this is just a big misunderstanding you're all very talented but show's over okay time to go home all seven of you okay thank you um drive safe todd i'm not ready for this this is too soon well are you even happy here overall yes oh well do you love me no look i know that you're worried that i'm i'm gonna meet the perfect guy someday but i promise you that i won't because he doesn't exist sure we all like to think there's a soulmate out there for us who's going to complete us intellectually and physically and emotionally but the harsh reality is not everybody gets that so two out of three isn't so bad i mean if you're blind or schizophrenic or you're missing an arm and a leg you might not even get one out of three and you just have to accept that and i know that that's an offensive thing to say but you agree with me you agree with me and anyway i had accepted that that i i would never find anybody because i admit that i'm i'm finicky but then i met you and i don't have to scour the ends of the earth to know beyond a reasonable doubt that you're the one i already know you're the only person i like arguing with and you're the only person i don't mind losing to and you're the only person i can't lose and so maybe we won't have the greatest sex ever but you know i mean i can try harder i mean if helen keller can learn to talk i can learn to eat you out and i just i honestly think that we could be happy for the rest of our lives because i want to watch you die i mean i want to see you through to the end in sickness and in health and you know that that says a lot because i don't like sickness or endings or or poop and you know this but you know if you had cancer and you needed help i mean ideally i'll have a nurse to help you with that but if it was an emergency and you did number two in your pants i would clean you up because i love you and i want you to be my wife i'm sorry baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby if you love me won't you please just give me a smile baby if you love me won't you please just give me a song [Music] rory come on if you love me won't you please just give me a smile saunder that's a great word i didn't have a moment of saunder until last year that's okay do you have other good qualities sean freuda obviously or jessica what's jessica uh jessica's when you replay a hypothetical dialogue over and over again in your head like winning an argument or getting interviewed by conan o'brien hmm there's a word for that there's a word for everything i wonder if there's a word that exactly describes a feeling when you learn there's a word that exactly describes what you're feeling if there is i bet it's french what are we talking about specific words to describe obscure emotions oh um the shampoo you already said that california what's that well um california is a feeling when you eat the last bite of something delicious and then you become sad because you can no longer eat it how do you spell that he's lying you're such a tattletail yeah you'd get shanked in prison todd oh imagine all the fun things you get to try if you were someone's [ __ ] hey todd uh remember when you were gonna learn how to eat meow i wish there was a word to describe how i'm feeling now [Music] you guys ready ready split you.

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